“Hello? NASA? Anyone here?”
“In the back. Behind the pallets of American Gulf Berry Energizer Drink. Are you gonna move those out?”
“No. Why would we?”
“I thought Trump was going to sell them.”
“That is a work in progress. We have to figure out the whole sugar thing first, so they will stay, for now. Besides, how else would we use these empty desks?”
“People used them for work. When we had people here…”
“And now we have more work for you.”
“I am not sure what else I can do. Per your last order, I deleted all our data on climate change and replaced our public messaging about floods and heat domes and hurricanes with Shit Happens and Toughen Up, Buttercup.”
“We need to recall the Voyager.”
“…Pardon?”
“You need to claw back the Voyager spacecraft. We have some important changes for the Golden Record that are exciting for everyone and everyone is talking about.”
“I um…I should first point out, both spacecraft are over 10 billion miles from Earth.”
“Both? How many are there?”
“Two.”
“Two?!? No wonder you got DOGEd. We need to recall both. We understand it may take a few days, but it is necessary to fix the unAmerican messages on the Golden Record before any illegal aliens hear it.”
“I have so many questions… but I guess I should start with your objections to the Golden Record?”
“That’s obvious. The Golden Record doesn’t mention Trump once. How can it represent Earth when the most important and handsomest president in the history of Americaworld is absent? Instead the Record goes on this long and boring list of woke foreign words before, finally, someone speaks English, but all he says is ‘Hello from the children of planet Earth.’ No weave, no stories about sharks, no mention of Arnold Palmer… the illegal aliens up there will think we are all low-IQ losers.”
“Regardless, there is no way to get the Voyagers back to Earth.”
“Use magnets.”
“That won’t work.”
“Why not? Did you get them wet?”
It’s just… we don’t have the capability to send any commands or exert any force on those crafts. They are too far out.”
“Is this another one of your deep-state ploys to waste good taxpayer money? Do we need to make a visit to the DOGE closet?”
“What? You came to me…”
“And you don’t seem at all concerned that illegal aliens could be listening to the weak and boring Golden Record right now. And then they will come to Earth to yell GREETINGS, melt our tools, and destroy our manufacturing sector. It’s all in the song…”
There’s a Starman
Waiting in the sky
If Trump doesn’t stop him
He’ll come down and rob us blind
“That’s not… I can’t… Please don’t make me post those lyrics on the NASA website…”
“That’ll come after the debut performance at Trump‘s Kennedy Center. Then the MSM and Deep State can no longer bury the threat from these illegal aliens. Look at what the liberals did to Paramount+ before we liberated it from wokeness.”
“Paramount+? How does that come into this…?”
“What is now a great and patriotic company was trying to warn us about the perils of the Golden Record since 1979, but the wacky left buried it behind better movies.”
“1979? Paramount…? Wait… are you referring to Star Trek: The Motion Picture?”
“Of course. They saw it coming. That’s why they had to fire Colbert.”
“I don’t see that connection.”
“It’s as good as any other reason they can give. And now that he’s gone, we are free to address and correct the Voyager Threat.”
“… I guess there could some important discussions coming out of that, since Star Trek: The Motion Picture had a character played by a known and high-profile sexual predator.”
“What… no… are we still talking about that hoax?”
“It’s not a hoax: the creep admitted his inappropriate behavior with minors.”
“Well, that sounds boring. Besides, we already solved the human trafficking problem when we all bought tickets to Sound of Freedom.”
“I don’t think that’s the case. Besides, you are the one who brought the Star Trek movie into the discussion, so the sexual-abuse issue is bound to come up. How could you not know that?”
“It sounds like someone needs to spend more time in the DOGE closet.”
