Semiofficial court transcript between Judge and the EPA during the Sackett v. EPA arguments:
Water goes everywhere, eventually. [Actual quote from an actual judge.]
Awesome. I’m glad we agree on the need for robust regulation.
Whoa. Whoa. Slow down, egghead. What I mean is, water goes everywhere, so it is impossible to regulate.
I… um… well… you know we need water to live, right?
Whether we are able to live or not is irrelevant to this case. We are simply here to limit errr… to determine the scope of the Clean Water Act.
Right. And its purpose is to ensure we have clean water to support our health, our environment, our eco–
No. The purpose of the Clean Water Act is to call “balls and strikes” when water touches water.
Wait… what?
Let’s say you own a piece of property. And you have water on your land. This water. [Judge holds up glass of water.] Can you picture it?
Y-yes.
Are you imaging it right now?
Sure.
So this water, is it touching other water?
You mean that water? In that glass?
Of course. I don’t see any other water around.
Then no. That water is not touching water.
Great. It’s your water, and you are free to dump battery acid in it.
Why would I do that?
Don’t ask me. It’s your water. And your battery acid. [Judge tosses away glass and water.] And it’s all free from any constraints or oversight from the Clean Water Act.
But wait, didn’t you just say… [checks notes] …Water goes everywhere, eventually? So, even by your logic, eventually, that battery acid is going to–
Let’s not quibble about whose acid is destroying what. What I’ve found, from my years serving on the Supreme Court, is it’s best not to overthink on these decisions.
